Minimizing My Loss

Last week we went through the process of having our house tented and fumigated for dry wood termites. As anyone who has been through this knows, the simple tasks of removing your valuables and bagging up anything you would ingest is a lot more work than it seems. Many hours were spent checking through each room of my house gathering up things of "value" and sorting through refrigerators and freezers, my pantry, all of my alcohol and mixers, as well as our medicine cabinets and all bathroom items in general. Once my valuables were out of the house and my fifteen bags were double-bagged and sealed, it really didn't look like much compared to the work that went in to it. But to me, it was a great sense on accomplishment.

Our pets were out of the house, we were all set in our temporary home and the tenting process had begun. I did the final walk through with the lead technician. He complimented my thorough job, but did find an opened bag of bird seed in the garage that I missed. Darn, so close, but missed that one item. The technicians let me know that I was missing a cap on one of my vents on my roof. They kindly offered to replace the cap for me when they remove the tent if I wanted to pick one up at Home Depot prior to the tent removal. I ran right over and bought one and brought it back to drop off in my back yard.

When I pulled up the lead tech was talking with a woman. She seemed to be going over a check list. I assumed she was from their company, some kind of inspector or supervisor, I figured part of the standard process. Turns out, she was from the city. I asked one of the techs if their company notifies the city when they do fumigations or if it's the gas company that does so. I was told sometimes the gas company does and it's random as to when a city inspector might show up at the property.

The inspector approached me and asked is I was the homeowner. I told her I was. She said she did a thorough walk through and that she sees that I have kids. She said she has kids too, so she wanted me to know that she experiences her kids hiding candy and snacks in crazy places in her house, so she checked my house really good, all the way to the back of my drawers. I was a little taken aback by this (but this is not my main topic, just some additional thoughts along the way, so stay with me - lol). With the many things I do deal with involving my kids, luckily food being hidden in my house is not one of them. My girls know food is not allowed anywhere but in the kitchen & thankfully we've never had an instance of hiding food. I knew the technicians would be in my home, have access to everything and would be looking throughout to be sure I had prepared my home correctly. I am thankful that the city would have someone check that the procedure, which involves poisonous gases, is being handled correctly, but I didn't know fumigating my home opens my home up for the city to have access to my entire home as well. So this woman wanted me to know that she took the time to thoroughly look through my home as a precaution, especially because she saw that I have kids. That's fine, it was appreciated. It's really not anything I would question further or use my energy on.

The inspector then told me that she found a bottle of prescription pills in my office and she instructed the tech to bag them. She said they did look to be expired. I don't know why this hit me odd, maybe her tone, maybe just the sense of she found what? where? I went room by room. Prescription pills in my office? My brain was churning, trying to think what she could be talking about. I don't take any medications, nor do I take any sort of pills for any other reason. I know for certain that I don't have anything questionable or anything to hide in my house, but in that instant I just kept thinking, no, that can't be. So, the thought then crossed my mind... I don't have anything illegal in my home, but what if I did and she found something? Did I consent to a search of my house (or looking beyond what is in "plain view") when I signed the contract for fumigation? My contract did not seem to mention a possible city inspection. Yeah, this is what my mind does, all of these things were swirling in what was probably a little over 15 seconds. I know she is not law enforcement and I know there was not any issue to deal with here, but it did make me wonder how something like that would pan out. But, enough of that digression also.

She then told me the pill bottle was in a zip lock bag with some lanyards, business cards, keys and some other things. Then it struck me... I suppose I was thinking out loud... I said, "Oh, that must have been some of my husband's pain medication. That bag contains items from his work bag that I set in the cupboard above my desk, I didn't realize there was still pills in there." She was just looking at me, I went on... "My husband passed away, he battled cancer for a few years. That bag, I just never got around to sorting through it." She immediately said, "Oh, I'm so sorry about your husband." Then without thinking the words came out of my mouth, as they have so many times before... "Thank you, but it was a long time ago." I have this automatic response to minimize the loss the she was acknowledging. Every time I do that, some sort of auto-response, I ask myself, why did you do that again?

So this is the thing I do want to ponder here, something I have thought about a lot. My husband Mike's passing is part of my reality. It comes up, I do not have any problems discussing it or anything about Mike for that matter. But, I do know that it has been ten years, and I seem to have this exterior label that I have applied, that a lot of time has passed and I am no longer worthy of that heartfelt sympathy that someone expresses when they think you have recently endured such a loss. When I question myself for making the remark, my first thought is to not ever take away from Mike's life that was cut way too short, to never lessen a moment of his 46 years here. But I know what is going on in these instances is not about Mike, but more about me. I know I tell myself I am fine, I have moved on, that there are people that have endured so much more than I have and that I have so much to still be grateful for. I feel like that empathy should be given to someone who needs it, to someone who is more deserving of it at this point. While I am very protective of Mike, I see that I do not hesitate to take away from, or at this point minimize my experience of loss. This is something I know I do, something I would not want to do to others, I'm just not sure why I so easily do it to myself. Has anyone else found that they do this same thing?

Is it that I feel I am not deserving of this kindness? Yes. Is it even more so deeper feelings of unworthiness? For sure. I could write endlessly on those two issues, but for today I'll focus on this one area that I can easily see and pinpoint. I need to remind myself that people's ability to show kindness is limitless and we all deserve to give and receive it freely. We all have had various forms of pain and we all do deserve the comfort that is offered to us. When someone expresses empathy in response to losing Mike, even now, I'll work on pausing, feeling the kindness that I should take in, smile gratefully and simply say, "Thank you."